nightmares

i'm sure you've heard of that traumatic stress disorder, or whatever it's called, that soldiers get.  they'll wake up with horrible nightmares, in a sweat, and won't be able to get back to sleep.  if you haven't heard of the disorder, than maybe you've watched a movie or show where that happened to a soldier after returning from war.  it's a pretty big deal.  i mean, a lot of people suffer from it.  probably a lot more will suffer in this generation with this war going on and on and on.
well, my husband suffers in a like way, but differently.  he'll wake up from a "nightmare" of him using drugs.  he says they're so vivid and real.  the scariest part for him is that he really believes his body has gone through a high...  after sobering up and taking all the effort to detox...  his heart rate is raised and he feels in every way that he has used. 
so, that sucks.  but that's all i can really say about it, because they're not my dreams and, like a soldier, he doesn't like to talk about them, because then he lives it over again.
but here's what i can say.  last night we were talking about using drugs for some reason, in some context, and he said, "i'm done.  i don't ever want to start again."
that's a big statement.  sometimes, well, maybe a lot of the time, the beginning of rehab is done for someone else.  or for a reason other than, i don't ever want to do drugs again.  i'm so happy that my husband has turned this corner and is thinking this way.  it's a big deal. 
thank you, God!!!

6 months +

we're doing really well around here.  my guy has a job that gets extremely busy during the warm weather season.  he's working a LOT.  we're getting lots of extra money to save.  and he's staying too busy to think of much more than work. 
on the 22nd of july he celebrated 6 months of sobriety.  6 months isn't long, but it sure is when you're taking one day at a time!  i think he has a pretty healthy thing going on!  please pray for him and pray that his walk in Christ strengthens so that he can lean more on Him and less on himself. 

change

it would be complete irony if i said that the hardest part of sobriety is change, but i think people are accustomed to structure and when things change it puts us in a little tizzy.  i'm a pretty laid back gal, but sometimes unexpected change throws me off.  i get used to the way things are and i begin to like it. 
something that hasn't changed in my husband's recovery is his happiness with no-plans.  he likes to fly by the seat of his pants.  IF there is a plan, he doesn't like to follow it.  even if HE'S the one who made the plan!  i haven't decided if this is just the way he is... or the way he's adapted to life... of just his way of aggravating life (especially for me, because i love plans and schedules)!  he likes to CHANGE things up...
i'm happy that he's changing.  but i hope that especially the drug court program helps him ok his life with plans.  -that was a weird way of saying it, but i'd like one of the changes in life that results from recovery is that he can start living by plans if plans are existent.  it's not that i think we need a plan for every day or a schedule for every second (although i don't think it'd be horrible), it'd just be nice to make a plan for a day and be able to stick to it without a fight.  i don't even really mind veering from plans every once in a while because we can't predict the future and we can't control all of life's circumstances... but i would like to have a planned out day go as scheduled.  especially for our family.  every once in a while.
i'm not trying to pick on him.  i know he's not perfect.  i'm just letting out a little "change vent"... 
i love my husband.  i think he's great. 

suicide

there's been an epidemic (well, that might be an exaggerated term) of suicides around here.  there's been about four that we are aware of and "close" to.  not that any of our close friends have killed themselves, but people that we know about or know through someone.  that's a lot and they've all been addicts. 
that definitely puts a little higher stress on recovery, but it also puts an awareness of the seriousness of what we're dealing with in the forefront of my mind. 
my mr. is sober.  i'm happy about that.

relapse!

in that families in recovery class i went to last month, i learned that when the addict relapses the family automatically goes into a relapse also.  unintentionally reverting their thoughts and actions to just how it was before recovery started.  i found this surprising.  i found it almost absurd.  well, it's true. 
here's what we're going through:
my mr. is doing really well in his recovery.  he's staying sober!  he's staying busy.  he's trying to steer clear of stress and other triggers. 
i, on the other hand, am relapsing.  i have found myself stressing so much about him relapsing that i have taken on a relapse type personality.  i'm grumpy.  no, i'm angry!  i yell.  i bite heads off.  all for no apparent reason!  today it clicked.  if our relationship doesn't feel steady-ready (to me), then i start stressing about relapse.  i haven't given up the control issue.  i'm still rooted in the past.  i need to work on those 12 steps!

insecurities

once someone has broken your trust, you might find it hard to trust them again.  you might find yourself doubting everything that person says to you.  you might find yourself lying to them, because if they lie to you, why should you be truthful to them?  there are several different reactions to loss of trust.  none of them are right or wrong, they're retaliations.  the thing is, we shouldn't retaliate.  there should always be a reason for what we do, and we should ALWAYS look to the Truth. 
so, what does the Bible say?  FORGIVE.   i posted on a different blog a while back about forgiveness and here's an excerpt of it:

forgiveness is one of the hardest things to learn, but once you learn it and reap the rewards of forgiveness... it's such a great tool! 
"Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth: and they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth.  But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away."  ~Matthew 13:5-6
"Yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while.  For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles."  ~Matthew 13:21
in our life we will have "rocks" or "stony places" that represent past offenses, circumstances, or persecution for doing what is right. 
when we face these rocks, usually we react many different ways, but usually it will all boil down to us focusing on "why me?"  <PRIDE>
these rocks prevent us from growing because they develop unresolved conflict.  and when conflict is not dealt with, it leads to UNFORGIVENESS and BITTERNESS.
"Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.  Be of the same mind toward one another.  Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble.  Do not be wise in your own opinion."  ~Romans 12:14-16
bless means to wish someone well, to desire God's favor on their lives.  curse means to pray against, to call down God's judgment on their lives.  ...when someone "persecutes" you (or does you evil.  makes you mad.  etc.) you need to pray for them.  pray for blessings to be poured over them.  ask God to favor their life and earnestly focus on THEM being HAPPY!
bless those that are PERSECUTING you... identify with the pain and suffering of others.  set proper boundaries for your physical, emotional, spiritual safety.  (GUARD YOUR HEART)
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'  But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.  That you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust." ~Matthew 5:43-45
sometimes we confuse the feeling of forgiving with the action of forgiving.
there are three stages of forgiving:  to forgive, forgiving, and forgiven.

1. "to forgive" is a choice, an act of the will.  --there's things in life that we have to do (ALL THE TIME) that we don't want to do, or that we don't feel like doing...
2. "forgiving" is a process where your decision to forgive begins to align your emotions.
3. "forgiven" is when the Holy Spirit helps you experience joy when blessings occur to the other person.  (see Romans 12:14-21)

"Repay no one evil for evil.  Have regard for good things in the sight of all men.  If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.  Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord.  Therefore, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."  Romans 12:17-21
when we take retaliation into our own hands, we're taking God's place.  personal retaliation is an ineffective way to accomplish peace.  i will reiterate:  "DO NOT BE OVERCOME BY EVIL, BUT OVERCOME EVIL WITH GOOD." 

i've heard it said that once the trust is broken, it can never be built back.  i disagree.  if you forgive, you can keep trusting.  try it out.  it may happen again and again, but keep forgiving.  keep choosing to love.  let me know what you think...

love

when i was an adolescent i had a great youth pastor.  we had lots of messages about purity and lust and love.  one thing that i was taught at that vulnerable but formidable age was that being "in love" is a choice.  when you know that, it makes it all the more hurtful when relationships don't work.  however, if you've committed yourself to a relationship (such as marriage), it makes it all the more helpful. 
there are times that you won't feel like you love that person, but you can CHOOSE to. 

people make mistakes.  we need to love them anyway.  sometimes the mistake-maker will be you.  you'll want love. 

i wrote a great post on judging people and there was a good deal in it about loving too.  please take a moment, if you will, and read (or re-read) it -or at least the section on love.  it's linked under the text "great post" in the first sentence of this paragraph.  just click and read away.

the cycle of addiction

it's this vicious circle.  the issue is control.  here's the cycle:

1. act out (partake in the addiction / relapse)
2. guilt or remorse for acting out / relapsing
3. shame/depression
4. [re] commitment 
5. performance
6. stress (money, failed expectations, fear, lack of sleep, school/work, relationships, etc.)
7. back to #1

the issue is control.  give it up.  give it to some One else. 

addiction: being enslaved to a habit or practice

"if you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  but if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door.  its desire is to have you, but you must master it."  ~gen. 4:7

following are the notes i took on the message we heard sunday at church:

how do i master my addictions?

(part 3 on a hostage series)

regarding the above verse, there is SOMETHING in your life that is "crouching at your door" and is ready to rule over you.  no matter who you are.  addiction is that sin that crouches, ready to pounce.

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,"  ~Heb. 12:1b

"in the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus."  ~Rom. 6:11

1.)  TURN TO GOD!

there needs to be an admission. 

admit that you're addicted. 

admit that you need help. 

you cannot quit on your own. 

"we wait in hope for the Lord;  He is our help and our shield."  ~Ps. 33:20

the pain to continue in your addiction is worse than the pain it will take to stop. 

"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."  ~2 Chron. 7:14  (emphasis mine)

2.)  SHARE THE FINAL 10%  (share your burden)

"whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment."  ~Prov. 18:1 (ESV)  (emphasis mine here too)

you must start somewhere. 

you need to share what's happening in your life.  but more importantly what's happening when no one is looking.  that "final 10%" is this:  what you don't want others to know about you.

"therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."  ~James 5:16  (again, i'm doing the emphasizing)

>find accountability

>create a climate of acceptance (not only a safe person, but a safe place)

>keep it in the room (don't violate trust)

i emphasized "righteous person" because it is so important that this accountability partner (sponsor, mentor, etc.) be someone who is grounded in God's word.  a righteous person. 

if you can't think of anyone who fits the bill, pray for God to place someone on your heart.  pray feverishly!

FIGHT FOR FREEDOM! 

your addiction will cost you your life! 

"the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;  I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  ~John 10:10

your addiction will cost you your life!  (just thought i'd slip that in there twice)

"for though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.  the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  on the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds."  ~2 Corinth. 10:3-4

fighting for freedom means:  >crazy obedience.  like get RID of it.  ALL of it.  any FORM of it.  anything that makes you THINK of it.  FLEE!

it means: >confidence in God's Word.  read it!  memorize it.  believe in it.  pray it.

and it also means: >aggressive prayer.  not just asking, rather begging for help!

prayer praises His power.  it honors His authority.  and it humbles the pray-er.

let the Holy Spirit be the only control-er of you. 

besides drugs and alcohol, what are some other forms of addiction??? (in comment section please give some examples)

some acronyms

HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired 
4 trigger symptoms for relapse


ok, i guess that's only one.  i am totally running blank on any others right now.  go ahead and comment your own to share with others...

intro message on a message

we went to church on sunday and listened to an amazing message.  our pastor delivered a message on addiction.  can you imagine that?  are there addicts in the church???  uh... yep. 
so, i'm going to work on a post giving some of the great points that were given to us in the message.  AND then i'll do up some posts -probably about 12 posts to be specific- on the 12 steps that are encouraged/required in almost all of the AA, NA, sobriety programs.
sorry i started this great idea-of-a-blog and then tuckered out on it.  i've just had a lot going on in my head, heart, at life.  plus, the weather warmed up wonderfully and i decided to take advantage of it.  it's a good thing i did too, because we're back with the heat on today!

support group

tonight i had a class with my mr at his drug rehab. facility.  the class is called families in recovery and this is my second class.  it's kinda weird.  we talk about drugs.  we learn about drugs.  the weird part is at least half of the participants are druggies... so, i just think that's weird. 
but anyway, the point of the class is to prove that it's not just the addict that needs recovery, it's the whole family.  tonight was alright.  we didn't dig as deep into drugs as last class (or it seems next class will be), but we spent a lot of the time talking about trust. 
trust.  breaking trust.  regaining trust.  etc.
after a nice discussion we watched a movie about family recovery.  there are four stages. 

1. the starting of abstinence.
2. the beginning of recovery (different than the abstinence)
3. relapsing.
4. changing the life from a lie to the truth.

it's interesting to learn about recovery.  these four stages apply to the whole family.  i thought the most interesting part of the lesson was stage 3.  when the addict relapses, the family relapses too.  that's why it's important for the family to go through recovery too. 
if YOU'RE struggling with living with an addict, i encourage you to find a path to recovery.  whether the struggle is your spouse, your child, your brother, your niece, your friend or co-worker even!  whoever it may be... recovery needs to happen.  i encourage you to find an al-anon meeting of some sort to attend.  also would like to maybe be the first to encourage you to actually visit an open AA meeting.  it's amazing how eye-opening those meetings are!  they can really help you start your recovery process. 
al-anon is also helpful.  i'll post on my experience with al-anon later...  in the meantime, find a meeting and attend.  really.  do it.

enable him

i struggle with the difference in being a respectful, loving, and supporting wife and enabling my husband.  there's some sort of fine invisible line between the two.  one is good and the other is completely counter-productively bad.  however, they're really not too different.

• i respect my husband.  i may not 100% agree with everything he does, but in everything i say and do, i aim to be respectful to the man i married. 
• i support my husband's fight for sobriety.  but i won't support his addiction.  i am a supporting wife, either way.
• i love my husband.  addicted or not, i love him.  *i'll write a post on LOVE sometime soon.*  i may not love his actions or his choices, but i love him.  that's my choice.  i am a loving wife.

so, am i enabling him to be a drug addict, because i married him and i love, respect, and support him? 

when my husband was arrested and incarcerated, i was very upset.  i still loved him, but i believed that he deserved to be in jail and he deserved his punishment.  the kids and i were also being punished, but so goes life.  i wouldn't have bailed him out of jail, even if we DID have the money!  he was unemployed as it was, so in my angered mind it was only one less person to feed at our house. 
was i being loving and supportive then? 

he was bailed out of jail, against my will.  i was very upset.  i told him that i loved him and wanted to be respectful, but i didn't want him to come home until i had time to sit down and talk with him about EVERYTHING.  
was that loving or respectful?

currently, my husband counts me as his support team.  when he feels triggered, he will call me to get his mind off the trigger and onto me and our family.  this puts me in a strong position of support.  if i'm not home, or don't answer the phone, he could follow his trigger and mess up his sobriety.  that would put our family in jeopardy. 
is that too much support pressure for one individual? 
if i don't take that opportunity, am i still being supportive?

both of us are adults.  i can't speak for him, but i've come to grips with the reality that i have no affect on his sobriety.  i cannot make the decision for him to choose or choose not to partake in drugs.  if i can help him choose not to, i would like to help... but! in the end, it's his choice (WITH or WITHOUT my help). 

here's what i do:  i pray.  that's the only help that i can really give him that's worth anything. 
here's what i don't do:  i don't judge him.  i am no better than he.  i don't hold the addiction over his head. 

here's what i want:  1=sobriety for him.  2=our family together.  3=to be a loving, supportive, and respectful wife.
here's what i don't want:  1=him using drugs.  2=him to feel disrespected.

judging and be judged

i attended a women's bible study last night regarding the topic of intimacy in marriage.  it was kinda a question/answer format.  one question that was asked was regarding how to respect a man who views pornography.  the answer was given in such a wise tone.  following is a blog i wrote (when i was pretty worked up, mind you) on the same sort of topic, but not regarding porn, rather addiction.
well, here we go.  
sometimes it is so easy to find faults in others.  it's kinda satisfying.  it kinda makes us feel better to know that there are others that are "worse off" than we are.  or maybe it helps us dislike them like we always wanted to.  maybe there are those type of people that you just don't feel right about... there's always something that you think isn't right... and then you find out something that just confirms your suspicion.  it's like an ah-ha!  i was right.  they are sinful.  well, you know what?  so are you.  we all are. 
what that person that you caught in sin needs isn't an "i told you so" or that sort of treatment.  what that person needs isn't a lecture on how to correct their behavior.  what that person needs isn't a cold shoulder or anything of that nature.  love.  that's what he needs. 
we need to, above all other things, love each other.  we are to show others the love of God.  romans 12:9-10 says "don't just pretend that you love others.  really love them.  hate what is wrong.  stand on the side of the good.  love each other with genuine affection [brotherly love], and take delight in honoring each other."  we can hate the wrong that people do... but what we need to, and should do, is LOVE ONE ANOTHER!  we should never stop loving one another.  romans 13:8 confirms, saying, "pay all your debts, except the debt of love for others.  you can never finish paying that!  if you love your neighbor, you will fulfill all the requirements of God's law... (vs 10)Love does no wrong to anyone, so love satisfies all of God's requirements."
1 john chapter 4, starting in verse 7 and finishing off the chapter goes on and on about love and loving and being loved. 
when you come across someone that you think is undeserving of your love, think again!  you and me and they all are children of God.  He sent his son to die for ALL OF US.  not just the ones that behave the way you want or you think is right.  He loves all of us and we ought to show the same mercy for not a single one of us is blameless and there isn't a sin that is worse or better than another sin. 
Eph. 4:32, "be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."  we should be kind and loving because it is what God has done for us and commands of us.

familiarity

{a previous post with pictures removed to create a little more anonomisty}

i wonder if the word family actually came from, or was derived from, the word familiarity...

wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, defines family as "In human context, a family (from Latin: familiare) {really, i didn't know this when i wrote the above sentence!} is a group of people affiliated by consanguinity, affinity, or co-residence. In most societies it is the principal institution for the socialization of children. Extended from the human "family unit" by affinity, economy, culture, tradition, honor, and friendship are concepts of family that are metaphorical, or that grow increasingly inclusive extending to nationhood and humanism."
i grew up in a large family.  well, there were four of us kids. 

(we're all married now and have multiplied our family of six to 19!  this was jan. '09.) 

my dad had six kids in his family, all but one procreated, and my mom had four kids in her family, all of which had at least two offspring.  i have 36 living relatives (grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins,) and that's NOT counting any of my cousin's spouses or their children, or step-cousins that aren't related biologically.  compared to a lot of people (especially those whose families stayed together -meaning a low or no divorce rate-) we even have a large extended family.

my mr. is an only child.  he was raised by his mom.  she was single part of the time, but even when she was married, the husband didn't do much raising of little otter pop.  he has one ex-step-dad that he feels influenced him and that influence inadvertently lead him to the marine corps.  his mom had four kids in her family, but she was at the tail end of them with a span of at least one decade (i think it might actually be two) between her and the eldest.  one of her siblings died at a fairly young age and his family has rather separated from the others.  the remaining sisters each had at least two kids.  he has 6 living relatives that i know of.  now granted, i do know his biological father has some siblings and he surely has some cousins from them -and i didn't count ANY of them (including his dad)... but i'm just counting close biological family here.  he may argue that they should count because i know he doesn't know all of my cousin's names or faces... but it's my blog, 'k?! 

all this to explain that his family is almost the exact opposite as mine as far as size goes.  HE is almost the exact opposite as ME as far as almost everything goes. 

we were diolouging the other day/week/whatever about this.  it is kinda funny really.  please let me elaborate my humor: 

i grew up with my large family in a farmhouse out in the country of a little town in idaho called jerome.  jerome, when i grew up there, was very small, white, and quiet.  not much happened there and there wasn't much crime or trouble.  as i got older, that changed a bit and it's one of the reasons i asked my parents if i could change schools in high school.  they then placed me in a tiny, very conservative christian school.  needless to say, i didn't have much (if any) negative influence (drugs, alchohol, sex, gangs, etc.) as i grew up!  we lived in the same home almost my entire life.  we moved there when i was almost 3, or just 3, i don't know for sure.  i don't remember that, nor do i remember ANYTHING about the house we lived in before that.  my parents changed jobs no more times than the number of digits i have on any of my limbs.  my parents married before i was born (before any of my siblings were born) and are still married today.  most of my extended family didn't live close.  only one uncle stayed in our same town (although on the complete opposite side of town.  out in the country also.), but i will claim that we still held a close knit family.  my paternal grandparents lived about 5 miles from us and they would host many family gatherings at their farm and we would have annual family reunions for that side as well.  my maternal grandparents lived in another small idaho town, buhl, a little less than an hour (most of my growing up years.  there's a shortcut now.) away.  they also would host many family gatherings at their home and we saw that side of the family fairly often -some cousins more than others, but i didn't feel all too distant from any of them.  and lastly, i'm a girl!
mr. hubbalubs grew up all over the united states.  he changed schools at least twice every year.  he called las vegas his home because that's where his ENITRE [extended] family has stayed.  he was born in las vegas (one of the biggest cities in the US) and it's always where he and his mom would retreat to when things weren't going as planned, or hoped.  when growing up in las vegas, he lived IN the city and in the "bad side of town".  he was surrounded by drugs, alchohol, gambling, strippers, prostitutes, bums, all sorts of sin, and culture.  (he was the only white kid in his neighborhood!)  his mom changed jobs as frequently, if not more, than they moved.  when he was living in vegas, he would see his family at least once a week... he hung out with his cousins mostly because they were his only constant.  he was never at a school long enough to make any friends.  i'm not exadurating here, in fact, i could elaborate more but i think the point has been made:  my man and i are as different as night and day.  oh, and lastly, he's a boy!
but, like night and day, we go together.  seven of us together, makes one week!!!  :)  hehehe 
no, but really... we go together!  we complete eachother.  where he lacks, i strengthen and where i lack, he strengthens.  he lifts me up and i lift him up.  God made me for him and him for me!  God is SO awesome... He never ceases to amaze me with His LOVE!

recently we took the quiz on our love languages.  it might be irony, but i'd rather give the glory to God, that our results were almost exactly number for number the same!  i am certain that God made him for me and me for him.  we know how to love eachother in a way that we accept love in the right amounts.  we know what to do to make the other feel loved and we do...  when all is going wrong, i can find my lover and feel right.  when i'm stressed, i can usually call my lover and be calmed.  and the same goes for him.  when he's hot, i'm cold.  when he's cold, i'm hot. 
...  ... ... ... ... what's the point here?  ... ... ... ... ...
i can't imagine my life without him, nor do i want to.  he IS MY familiarity.  HE is my FAMILY! 
and, while i've got your attention, i'll just mention that we make some darn cute kids!!!!!

how could you have not known

this is a question that i asked myself a hundred times a day after i first found out the truth: my husband was using drugs.
other questions that were going through my head:  are you stupid?  what have you got yourself into?  what in the world are you going to do now?  how are you going to support five kids as a stay-at-home mom?  what are you going to tell the kids?  what are you going to tell everyone else?  how in the heck is this possibly happening to you?!  and then again:  how could you have not known?!

short answer: naivety.  i have always been naive.  hopefully this shakes a little of it out of me!

other answers: 

• i trusted him.  i love my husband and i trust easily.  it wasn't hard at all for me to trust the man i love!
• i've never been around drugs.  i had no idea what obvious signs were flashing in front of me because i knew nothing about those drugs!

and that's about all i could come up with.  but it's that simple:  i was naive.  i was trusting.  and i was ignorant. 

some examples of how it used to be

on my mr's days off he used to hang out with us (the family) for about half a day and then randomly have a real urgency to go do something:  run an errand*, fix something of someones, meet up with someone, check out a blank (fill in the blank with ANYTHING), help someone with something.... 
he, then, wouldn't come home for hours.  and when i say hours, i really mean hours:  10-12-14 sometimes.

my mr has always been "good" at keeping busy doing things.  however, weirdly enough it never seemed that anything ever got done.  for instance he'd clean his garage all day long and when i'd go out to visit with him after i'd put the kids to bed it'd still look like a hurricane had hit it.  also another for instance is that with a family as large as ours, there is always a daddy-do (otherwise known as a honey-do) list a mile long.  he'd always be working on stuff but the list would NEVER shorten!!!

my mr used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning tinkering in his garage.  when his addiction got really bad (after months of unemployment) he'd get mad when i'd come out to visit him in the garage at night.  at the time i just never really understood it.  he'd chat with me for a short time while he was tinkering and then, out of no where, just say, "i'll be in in a little bit."  which was my cue to go inside.  i'd talk with him about it and he'd say that he just felt like i was pestering him to come inside.  after explaining that i didn't care if he was in the garage, i was just trying to spend some time with him, he allowed me out there for longer periods but the truth was that i actually needed some sleep where he didn't (literally, because of the drugs -i found out later).  he'd ask me to come out and tell him when it was 11... then 12... then "i'll be in in a few minutes, honey.  i'm just cleaning up."  and he'd come in at 3 or 4. 

both me and my man are sleepers.  we're the type that can go to sleep around 9 and (if the kids would allow) get up at 9 the next morning.  when he's off of drugs, he's like that with me.  we even like naps during the day.  when he's on drugs it's a different schedule.  he'll stay up, like i said, until 3 or 4 and then jump out of bed with the alarm at 6:45 or 7.  it would make sense that after weeks of this, then he would spend [almost] a whole 'nother week sleeping!

my mr. would sit and stare at this computer for ABSOLUTELY no reason for hours.  it's not like he was looking at pictures, or reading interesting articles, learning how to fix this or that, or playing those cyber-games.  he was not catching up with facebook or blogging...  he'd just open up craigslist and browse through ads.  for HOURS!

i used to just be used to being stood up.  not on occasion, but as the usual.  he's say he'd be home at a certain time, but not come home for several (up to 8) hours.  we'd set up dates that never happened.  he'd plan lots of excursions with me and the kids...  ending in disappointment 95% of the time.  he got to were he just wouldn't plan ("afraid that it wouldn't go through and we'd all be disappointed in him" -his words).  i just started thinking he was afraid of commitment... not so much the case. 

he'd agree to plans with our friends and then decide we'd rather not, or he'd get one of those random urges to go run a quick errand*.  and then never come back.  i became the queen of excuses to our friends. 

he was one of those people that always was in the middle of something when you'd call.  and he'd "call you right back".  never to hear from him again.  that was IF he'd answer the phone in the first place.

he had the worst luck!  (or worst excuses?)  he'd break down, lock the keys in the car, run out of gas, run into someone that needed help/was stranded...  being a mechanic, it sucked to be his wife.  he'll go out of his way to help others (and this IS TRUE), so i still don't know which excuses were real and which were made up. 

he'd lie.  whether he needed to or not.  he'd lie.  to anyone, anywhere, about anything.  lies!

...there's some insight into how life used to be.  life with a drug addict.  how could i have not known, right?!  ...yeah...

i love my man

one thing i love about recovery is enjoying time together.  every minute together is a blessed occurance.  and i love it!

our structure

monday and wednesday the mr. has a matrix class from 7-9.  mondays he frequently has one-on-one appointments scheduled with his counselor.  on the second monday of the month we both have a families in recovery class together from 5-7.  on tuesday he has a relapse prevention class from 7-9.  on wednesdays he has a cognitive self change class from 5-7.  he also has to go to a one-hour 12-step meeting every day. 
since he plead guilty to his charge of burglary he was sentenced with 100 hours of community service to be completed before august.  however, he has to complete at least 20 hours each month (so i don't know why they said it had to be completed before august because at 20 hours/month he'll HAVE to have it completed by ... august.  ok.  never mind.)
the sole provider of our family is employed full time and works 9-5 tues-sat.  thankfully he has a workday free to complete all those community service hours.  but it sure takes a tole on the time we get with him.  oh, i forgot to mention he also has a 9:30pm curfew.  he has to be at our residence by 9:30pm every night.  i actually really like that rule!  ;) 
i like all the rules because i'm a rule follower, but i really miss my hubby by about this time every week.  i also love that he's drug free and enjoying it.  i also love that he counts me as his support team.  i love this guy... he's incredible!  i love that he's changing his life to be a better person for his family... THAT takes balls!!!!

"A prudent man foresees evil, and hides himself; the simple pass on, and are punished." (Proverbs 27:12)

drug court

so, this is what i thought drug court was going to be like:

• lots of structure.
• lots of rules.
• lots of classes, meetings, sessions, etc.
• lots of punishments.
• lots of drug addicts.
• lots of failures.

this is what it's been like for us so far:

• lots of structure.
• lots of rules, but not much enforcement.
• lots of classes and meetings.
• lots of silly punishments.
• lots of drug addicts.  lots of drunks.
• lots of inconsistencies.

first off, mr. was sanctioned (their word for punished) because when the parole officers visited our home the first time we had some [cooking] wine in the fridge. 
  he was given 5 or 6 hours of community service and had to write an essay on "why my environment is my responsibility"
secondly, mr. was sanctioned because the judge didn't like his essay. 
  he had to re-write it three more times.  come to find out that she wanted a letter, not an essay.
third, mr. was sanctioned for missing a class and being late for another.  he was also sanctioned for talking with some other participants about the essay situation.
  i can't remember the total sanction (i think some more community service), but he was also given another essay.
fourth, mr. relapsed with meth.
  he was sanctioned with 3 hours of community service and another essay on "why it's important not to hang out with old friends"
fourth, mr. was sanctioned today for rescheduling an appointment with his counselor and then not having his homework completed (or with him.  same thing) and missing some meetings.
  he was given four hours of community service.

i get kinda frustrated with the silly punishments and the inconsistencies.  the participants get rewarded for good behavior and honesty.  my mr. was sick a few weeks ago and missed some meetings because of it.  he was going to get a goodbar (the reward) but instead admitted to missing the meetings.  the judge was pleased with his honesty and withheld the goodbar, but gave mercy on the punishment because of his honesty.  today he received the sanction for those missed meetings. 

i'm a slight control freak.  it's hard for me to hold in my feelings.  it's hard for me to not get involved more.  it's also so wonderful to see my husband become sober and become a different/better man.  i need to keep that in the forefront of my mind and let everything else just fly over my head.

my story: the mid-beginning

in july of last year, my granny celebrated her 80th birthday.  there was a big family reunion planned down in twin falls.  we lived in boise.  (about 2 hour drive)  we were all planning on going, but at the last minute my mr decided that he'd stay home.
i should back up a bit.  he quit his job at the beginning of january because of a pay descrepency and by july we had depleted all our resources.  we were really short/out of money and he decided that this would be a great opportunity to look for a job.  i, of course, didn't agree (because really... how hires over the weekend?!), but i decided maybe we needed a break from eachother for a bit.  *more on this later* but in short, he was driving me crazy and i would be surrounded by my family... perfect.
so we went down and spent the weekend with family.  on the way back, i got a call informing me that my lover was now an inmate at the ada county jail.
gulp.
yeah... gulp.

unfortunately it wasn't the first time i had to deal with this sort of situation.  *more on this later, also*
so, all my fears (pretty much. well, i guess not ALL of 'em) were undug and thrown at me and then smeared in my face and then whipped my butt with that next week.  after the long drive from twin falls, i/we came home to a complete disaster in our house.  by complete disaster, i don't mean the usual kid-chaos (because i took them with me), i mean COMPLETE dis-as-ter!!!  it looked like he had taken half of the garage components and stuff and brought it all in the kitchen, dining room, and started on the living room.  there literally wasn't a walk-way inside the house.
and i had just found out my husband was in jail.
and... it was not a good day.
i called my mother-in-law, because she lives in boise and she won't hate him (so i thought). and we talked.  we went over to her house.  and we stayed there for a couple days.  and i cried -a lot.
i'm making a novel out of this.  here are the facts: my mr was caught robbing a house.  he was arrested for breaking and entering, possesion of conceiled weapon, and petit theft.  why he was in jail, he admitted to doing drugs (mainly meth, but also marijuiana).
i may be called naive because i TOTALLY am!  all this news was a complete shock to me.
since that wonderful week in july (with so many more details that i'll just forgo or fill in later), he plead guilty and was sentanced with a court-ordered rehabilitation program called "drug court".  he has to go to AA meetings every day.  he has several classes that he has to participate in weekly and monthly.  he was almost up to 90 days sobriety when he relapsed and is now celebrating 30 again.
... we are celebrating.

WE are recovering...
i started attending an al-anon meeting for me.
really what i want to be is supportive and respectful to him.  i love him and i'm his wife.

that's our story.
i'll sign off now, on that awkward silence pause.

the inspiration for this "light"

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear 

for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

masks that I'm afraid to take off,

and none of them is me.        

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, 

but don't be fooled, 

for God's sake don't be fooled. 

I give you the impression that I'm secure, 

that all is sunny and unruffled with me,

within as well as without, 

that confidence is my name and coolness my game, 

that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, 

but don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, 

ever-varying and ever-concealing. 

Beneath lies no complacence. 

Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. 

But I hide this. 

I don't want anybody to know it. 

I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. 

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, 

a nonchalant sophisticated facade, 

to help me pretend, 

to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,              

and I know it.              
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,              
if it's followed by love.              
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,              
from my own self-built prison walls,              
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.              
It's the only thing that will assure me              
of what I can't assure myself,              
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.

I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.

I don't like playing superficial phony games.

I want to stop playing them.

I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

               but you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand

even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes

the blank stare of the breathing dead.

Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

each time you try to understand because you really care,

my heart begins to grow wings--

very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,

you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,

from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach to me

the blinder I may strike back.

It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man

often I am irrational.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

and in this lies my hope.

Please try to beat down those walls

with firm hands but with gentle hands

for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.

For I am every man you meet

and I am every woman you meet.

[Please Hear What I'm Not Saying  --- Charles C. Finn, September 1966]

found: http://www.poetrybycharlescfinn.com/pleasehear.html