mission abandoned

dang!  I had this brilliant idea of creating a blog to help support families in their journey in recovery.  I knew I would have struggles and victories.  I knew that my husband would too.  I know that there are other families out there...
but I failed in follow-through. 
ugh.  i'm sorry!
i'm not giving up though.  this is still a brilliant idea and we're STILL in recovery!  this is NOT an abandoned mission... it just looks like it.

my super strong and wonderfully capable husband graduated his drug court program in march or april.  now I can't even remember when.  I think it was march.
he celebrated 2 years of sobriety in January and is 2-1/2 + now.  we live a "normal" life that is so different than our old "normal" life.  I love it.  the kids don't even remember the old.  I love that.  we have a father/husband. 

there are so many jouney milestones we've crossed.  i'm so thankful for God's strength.  HE IS GOOD!

concern

my husband is gone this week.  he's not just out of town, or even in a nearby state...  he's clear across the country.  for six long days.  away from us.  i. am. so. lonely!  well, i'm not really lonely i guess.  i have five fabulous kids keeping me company.  i am missing him!  i am crazy missing him!
i'm a little paranoid too.  i'm worried.  i'll just admit it.  he celebrated his 1 year anniversary the day he flew out.  he had a horrible experience that ended well.  in that ending, he made it to his destination on the day he was supposed to.  praise the lord!
i haven't heard from him NEARLY as much as i have in the past when he's traveled.  in fact, i haven't heard from him as much as i do when he's home.  that concerns me. 
i don't think he anticipated a drug test while he was gone.  well, he got called in for one this morning.  and then he called at about 3 this afternoon on his way to go get it.  he was stressed because he didn't have enough cash and apparently they didn't take the brand of credit cart card we hold.  weird because i was the one who set up the testing center and i asked her what methods of payment she accepted...  i wasn't skeptical though until i tried to call him later this evening and he's not answering his phone.  or the hotel phone. 
i'm freaking out.  i'm honestly freaking out.
pray for me.  pray for him.  please let this be a paranoid pregnant woman's obsessive worry and nothing else.  please let him call me soon. 
he still has two more days 'till i see him.  i don't know if i can wait that long!
...

happy birthday, baby!

today marks one whole year of sobriety for my man.  he's so awesome!  way to go, mister!!!!!

our friend

in this recent post, i asked for prayer for our friend an addict. 
yesterday, my husband talked to his counselor about the situation.  a no-contact order was issued.  i know this had to happen, but it almost brings me to tears...  it was a huge step for my hubby to make and it was the right thing to do, but now he's lost his best friend. 
please continue to pray for this situation and for the sobriety of our friend. 

living without a husband

my youngest son was sick on friday.  he couldn't hold anything down and whatever was in him, was quickly escaping out the back end.  either he was on the toilet or laying down feeling miserable all day.  he found he could eat soda crackers and drink sweetened water... so he did... while laying on the couch feeling miserable. 
yesterday i took my older son to lowe's to participate in their build and grow program.  we were building a castle.  i took my littlest girl with us.  we had a hard time building it (i'm not sure if it was because it was hard to do, or if it was because i was trying to help them both at the same time), but my son was SO grumpy!  we got almost completely done when he looked up at me and said, "i think i'm gonna barf!"  and he did.  we went home and he didn't seem to have any more symptoms or episodes...
last night at 1am i woke up and had to go...  yes, now I'M SICK!  and, i'm 31 weeks pregnant!  and i have 5 kids to take care of.  thankfully, my m-i-l has one of them because they are celebrating her birthday... but my littlest guy still has the runs and so i'm fighting to stay away from the toilet and he's wanting to run to the john ever 5 seconds to let out a little air. 
did i mention that my hub-a-lub is serving 3 days of jail time (fri-sun) for missing a meeting he had scheduled?! 
ugh.  i could die.  ...and i wouldn't even care.  pray for me and for my husband to get home soon (and NEVER miss another meeting in his life!)

giant prayer request

so, we have this friend.  he used to be a bad guy, but then he was sent to prison... there he changed.  since then he's been rebuilding his life.  he found a great gal who is as sweet and pure as they get.  he's been sober for about 3 years now and he's been a great support for me and my man as we've entered this new life.  he doesn't live close to us, but he and my hubby talk every day.  they're great friends... best friends. 
anyway, we got a call from his girlfriend on christmas day-after.  she didn't know where he was.  and he'd been acting strange.  and she was concerned he was cheating on her.  he was not coming home at night.  only coming home to shower and then leave again.  we wasn't answering her calls.  he was lying about where he'd been.  he was emotional and sorry and then the next minute in a fit of rage.  he has torn up their house and put some holes in the walls...  
i, personally, am heart sick.  i'm so extremely sympathetic and sorry for his lady.  i know EXACTLY how she feels.  really.  i am sick to my stomach with sadness that he's doing this to himself (again) and to her and her daughter.  she called me today... she just doesn't know what to do.  she doesn't know why.  she also doesn't have anyone to talk to about it.  my heart is completely broken for her.  all alone.  without a clue.  *sigh*
i'm sad for him.  i'm so sad he's doing this, like i said before.  but i'm also sad for my husband.  it's his best friend.  and he knows that he can't be around him.  he can't help him.  he can't support him.  because he's too new into sobriety, he knows he's not strong enough.  he wants to do all of that and to be a friend to him... but that's the most painful part.  he knows he can't.  he's lost his best friend.  and this time, maybe for the first time in his life, it wasn't his own fault. 
i'm praying for our friend.  every single day.  i'm also praying for his girl.  i can't do anything else.  but man, i'm praying so hard.  i KNOW that the only way this can straighten itself out... the only way he can sober back up... would be a complete and most obvious miracle.  and the only one capable of that is God.  i know that he -on the inside- is a great guy.  i know he wants sobriety.  i know he loves his girlfriend.  i know he wants to marry her and have a family with her.  i know all these things...  but i also know he's an addict.  and right now he's not him, the addict is him.  the good news is i know God.  and He can do it for him.  He can make a complete and most obvious miracle.  so, i'm praying and i'm not losing hope for him.  would you please join me in prayer and hope? 

last post, sept. 23... what?!

where do i start?  sept. 23rd was a long time ago! 
well, here's a little update.  my hubby has been sober since jan 22, 2011.  he's nearing his 1-year anniversary... in fact, on his 1-year anniversary, he's being sent to orlando, florida for some training in his line of work.  for a week. 
he's done this before.  at the beginning of november, he was flown to pennsylvania for a week.  it's kinda stressful. 
he's doing well.  he really is.  i worry sometimes, but when i confront him of my worries, he acknowledges the legitimacy of them and tells me that he's worried to and that he has his guard up.  just hearing him admit that is such a breath of fresh air for me to hear.  i'm serious.  i know it sounds strange, but i love to hear when my husband is worried.  :)  ok, not all the time.
he's had a lot taken off his plate when he "phased up" in the drug court program.  but the bar is set higher, so the punishment is much harsher for the crime.  for instance, he has 16 hours of community service and 3 days of jail because he missed a one-on-one meeting with his counselor.  yeah. 
it's good though.  something that he has never really learned in his life (until now) is that a commitment is a commitment.  you can't go through life just flaking people off.  when you say you're going to be somewhere, you better be there... when you're supposed to. 
the counselor he had in phase 1 of the program really discouraged me from helping him be organized.  it was his responsibility to organize his schedule and stick to it.  since then, i've kinda been out of the loop of his schedule.  this second counselor is now recommending that he involves his family in his planning more.  it's kinda a contradiction, but i think it's all good for him.  the truth is, he needed to be taught responsibility in the first place.  if i was the one scheduling everything for him and then he missed his one-on-one meeting, it wouldn't be his fault... it'd be mine.  however, it'd really be great to know his schedule a bit more so that i know about these engagements he has. 
another new thing is that they started up a veteran's drug court program just recently and my love was switched over into it.  he's one of the first people to go through it.  it's not much different than the regular drug court program, but they do have lots of hook-ups to veteran's assistance and the programs that the government has set up for veterans.  he's now hooked up with a counselor from the va's office (to go along with the one from drug court).  that's great.  he's also supposed to get all his benefits reinstated... so i can't tell you the blessing that could be!  however, i'll believe it when i see it. 
anyway, that's all for now.  prayers are always appreciated.  i have a giant prayer request i'll be putting details up tomorrow about.  but for right now, please pray for our family and the sobriety of our family's leader to continue forever. 
thanks!

nightmares

i'm sure you've heard of that traumatic stress disorder, or whatever it's called, that soldiers get.  they'll wake up with horrible nightmares, in a sweat, and won't be able to get back to sleep.  if you haven't heard of the disorder, than maybe you've watched a movie or show where that happened to a soldier after returning from war.  it's a pretty big deal.  i mean, a lot of people suffer from it.  probably a lot more will suffer in this generation with this war going on and on and on.
well, my husband suffers in a like way, but differently.  he'll wake up from a "nightmare" of him using drugs.  he says they're so vivid and real.  the scariest part for him is that he really believes his body has gone through a high...  after sobering up and taking all the effort to detox...  his heart rate is raised and he feels in every way that he has used. 
so, that sucks.  but that's all i can really say about it, because they're not my dreams and, like a soldier, he doesn't like to talk about them, because then he lives it over again.
but here's what i can say.  last night we were talking about using drugs for some reason, in some context, and he said, "i'm done.  i don't ever want to start again."
that's a big statement.  sometimes, well, maybe a lot of the time, the beginning of rehab is done for someone else.  or for a reason other than, i don't ever want to do drugs again.  i'm so happy that my husband has turned this corner and is thinking this way.  it's a big deal. 
thank you, God!!!