the cycle of addiction

it's this vicious circle.  the issue is control.  here's the cycle:

1. act out (partake in the addiction / relapse)
2. guilt or remorse for acting out / relapsing
3. shame/depression
4. [re] commitment 
5. performance
6. stress (money, failed expectations, fear, lack of sleep, school/work, relationships, etc.)
7. back to #1

the issue is control.  give it up.  give it to some One else. 

how could you have not known

this is a question that i asked myself a hundred times a day after i first found out the truth: my husband was using drugs.
other questions that were going through my head:  are you stupid?  what have you got yourself into?  what in the world are you going to do now?  how are you going to support five kids as a stay-at-home mom?  what are you going to tell the kids?  what are you going to tell everyone else?  how in the heck is this possibly happening to you?!  and then again:  how could you have not known?!

short answer: naivety.  i have always been naive.  hopefully this shakes a little of it out of me!

other answers: 

• i trusted him.  i love my husband and i trust easily.  it wasn't hard at all for me to trust the man i love!
• i've never been around drugs.  i had no idea what obvious signs were flashing in front of me because i knew nothing about those drugs!

and that's about all i could come up with.  but it's that simple:  i was naive.  i was trusting.  and i was ignorant.