nightmares

i'm sure you've heard of that traumatic stress disorder, or whatever it's called, that soldiers get.  they'll wake up with horrible nightmares, in a sweat, and won't be able to get back to sleep.  if you haven't heard of the disorder, than maybe you've watched a movie or show where that happened to a soldier after returning from war.  it's a pretty big deal.  i mean, a lot of people suffer from it.  probably a lot more will suffer in this generation with this war going on and on and on.
well, my husband suffers in a like way, but differently.  he'll wake up from a "nightmare" of him using drugs.  he says they're so vivid and real.  the scariest part for him is that he really believes his body has gone through a high...  after sobering up and taking all the effort to detox...  his heart rate is raised and he feels in every way that he has used. 
so, that sucks.  but that's all i can really say about it, because they're not my dreams and, like a soldier, he doesn't like to talk about them, because then he lives it over again.
but here's what i can say.  last night we were talking about using drugs for some reason, in some context, and he said, "i'm done.  i don't ever want to start again."
that's a big statement.  sometimes, well, maybe a lot of the time, the beginning of rehab is done for someone else.  or for a reason other than, i don't ever want to do drugs again.  i'm so happy that my husband has turned this corner and is thinking this way.  it's a big deal. 
thank you, God!!!

change

it would be complete irony if i said that the hardest part of sobriety is change, but i think people are accustomed to structure and when things change it puts us in a little tizzy.  i'm a pretty laid back gal, but sometimes unexpected change throws me off.  i get used to the way things are and i begin to like it. 
something that hasn't changed in my husband's recovery is his happiness with no-plans.  he likes to fly by the seat of his pants.  IF there is a plan, he doesn't like to follow it.  even if HE'S the one who made the plan!  i haven't decided if this is just the way he is... or the way he's adapted to life... of just his way of aggravating life (especially for me, because i love plans and schedules)!  he likes to CHANGE things up...
i'm happy that he's changing.  but i hope that especially the drug court program helps him ok his life with plans.  -that was a weird way of saying it, but i'd like one of the changes in life that results from recovery is that he can start living by plans if plans are existent.  it's not that i think we need a plan for every day or a schedule for every second (although i don't think it'd be horrible), it'd just be nice to make a plan for a day and be able to stick to it without a fight.  i don't even really mind veering from plans every once in a while because we can't predict the future and we can't control all of life's circumstances... but i would like to have a planned out day go as scheduled.  especially for our family.  every once in a while.
i'm not trying to pick on him.  i know he's not perfect.  i'm just letting out a little "change vent"... 
i love my husband.  i think he's great. 

relapse!

in that families in recovery class i went to last month, i learned that when the addict relapses the family automatically goes into a relapse also.  unintentionally reverting their thoughts and actions to just how it was before recovery started.  i found this surprising.  i found it almost absurd.  well, it's true. 
here's what we're going through:
my mr. is doing really well in his recovery.  he's staying sober!  he's staying busy.  he's trying to steer clear of stress and other triggers. 
i, on the other hand, am relapsing.  i have found myself stressing so much about him relapsing that i have taken on a relapse type personality.  i'm grumpy.  no, i'm angry!  i yell.  i bite heads off.  all for no apparent reason!  today it clicked.  if our relationship doesn't feel steady-ready (to me), then i start stressing about relapse.  i haven't given up the control issue.  i'm still rooted in the past.  i need to work on those 12 steps!

the cycle of addiction

it's this vicious circle.  the issue is control.  here's the cycle:

1. act out (partake in the addiction / relapse)
2. guilt or remorse for acting out / relapsing
3. shame/depression
4. [re] commitment 
5. performance
6. stress (money, failed expectations, fear, lack of sleep, school/work, relationships, etc.)
7. back to #1

the issue is control.  give it up.  give it to some One else. 

addiction: being enslaved to a habit or practice

"if you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  but if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door.  its desire is to have you, but you must master it."  ~gen. 4:7

following are the notes i took on the message we heard sunday at church:

how do i master my addictions?

(part 3 on a hostage series)

regarding the above verse, there is SOMETHING in your life that is "crouching at your door" and is ready to rule over you.  no matter who you are.  addiction is that sin that crouches, ready to pounce.

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,"  ~Heb. 12:1b

"in the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus."  ~Rom. 6:11

1.)  TURN TO GOD!

there needs to be an admission. 

admit that you're addicted. 

admit that you need help. 

you cannot quit on your own. 

"we wait in hope for the Lord;  He is our help and our shield."  ~Ps. 33:20

the pain to continue in your addiction is worse than the pain it will take to stop. 

"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."  ~2 Chron. 7:14  (emphasis mine)

2.)  SHARE THE FINAL 10%  (share your burden)

"whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment."  ~Prov. 18:1 (ESV)  (emphasis mine here too)

you must start somewhere. 

you need to share what's happening in your life.  but more importantly what's happening when no one is looking.  that "final 10%" is this:  what you don't want others to know about you.

"therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."  ~James 5:16  (again, i'm doing the emphasizing)

>find accountability

>create a climate of acceptance (not only a safe person, but a safe place)

>keep it in the room (don't violate trust)

i emphasized "righteous person" because it is so important that this accountability partner (sponsor, mentor, etc.) be someone who is grounded in God's word.  a righteous person. 

if you can't think of anyone who fits the bill, pray for God to place someone on your heart.  pray feverishly!

FIGHT FOR FREEDOM! 

your addiction will cost you your life! 

"the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;  I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  ~John 10:10

your addiction will cost you your life!  (just thought i'd slip that in there twice)

"for though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.  the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  on the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds."  ~2 Corinth. 10:3-4

fighting for freedom means:  >crazy obedience.  like get RID of it.  ALL of it.  any FORM of it.  anything that makes you THINK of it.  FLEE!

it means: >confidence in God's Word.  read it!  memorize it.  believe in it.  pray it.

and it also means: >aggressive prayer.  not just asking, rather begging for help!

prayer praises His power.  it honors His authority.  and it humbles the pray-er.

let the Holy Spirit be the only control-er of you. 

besides drugs and alcohol, what are some other forms of addiction??? (in comment section please give some examples)

some acronyms

HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired 
4 trigger symptoms for relapse


ok, i guess that's only one.  i am totally running blank on any others right now.  go ahead and comment your own to share with others...

support group

tonight i had a class with my mr at his drug rehab. facility.  the class is called families in recovery and this is my second class.  it's kinda weird.  we talk about drugs.  we learn about drugs.  the weird part is at least half of the participants are druggies... so, i just think that's weird. 
but anyway, the point of the class is to prove that it's not just the addict that needs recovery, it's the whole family.  tonight was alright.  we didn't dig as deep into drugs as last class (or it seems next class will be), but we spent a lot of the time talking about trust. 
trust.  breaking trust.  regaining trust.  etc.
after a nice discussion we watched a movie about family recovery.  there are four stages. 

1. the starting of abstinence.
2. the beginning of recovery (different than the abstinence)
3. relapsing.
4. changing the life from a lie to the truth.

it's interesting to learn about recovery.  these four stages apply to the whole family.  i thought the most interesting part of the lesson was stage 3.  when the addict relapses, the family relapses too.  that's why it's important for the family to go through recovery too. 
if YOU'RE struggling with living with an addict, i encourage you to find a path to recovery.  whether the struggle is your spouse, your child, your brother, your niece, your friend or co-worker even!  whoever it may be... recovery needs to happen.  i encourage you to find an al-anon meeting of some sort to attend.  also would like to maybe be the first to encourage you to actually visit an open AA meeting.  it's amazing how eye-opening those meetings are!  they can really help you start your recovery process. 
al-anon is also helpful.  i'll post on my experience with al-anon later...  in the meantime, find a meeting and attend.  really.  do it.