change

it would be complete irony if i said that the hardest part of sobriety is change, but i think people are accustomed to structure and when things change it puts us in a little tizzy.  i'm a pretty laid back gal, but sometimes unexpected change throws me off.  i get used to the way things are and i begin to like it. 
something that hasn't changed in my husband's recovery is his happiness with no-plans.  he likes to fly by the seat of his pants.  IF there is a plan, he doesn't like to follow it.  even if HE'S the one who made the plan!  i haven't decided if this is just the way he is... or the way he's adapted to life... of just his way of aggravating life (especially for me, because i love plans and schedules)!  he likes to CHANGE things up...
i'm happy that he's changing.  but i hope that especially the drug court program helps him ok his life with plans.  -that was a weird way of saying it, but i'd like one of the changes in life that results from recovery is that he can start living by plans if plans are existent.  it's not that i think we need a plan for every day or a schedule for every second (although i don't think it'd be horrible), it'd just be nice to make a plan for a day and be able to stick to it without a fight.  i don't even really mind veering from plans every once in a while because we can't predict the future and we can't control all of life's circumstances... but i would like to have a planned out day go as scheduled.  especially for our family.  every once in a while.
i'm not trying to pick on him.  i know he's not perfect.  i'm just letting out a little "change vent"... 
i love my husband.  i think he's great. 

insecurities

once someone has broken your trust, you might find it hard to trust them again.  you might find yourself doubting everything that person says to you.  you might find yourself lying to them, because if they lie to you, why should you be truthful to them?  there are several different reactions to loss of trust.  none of them are right or wrong, they're retaliations.  the thing is, we shouldn't retaliate.  there should always be a reason for what we do, and we should ALWAYS look to the Truth. 
so, what does the Bible say?  FORGIVE.   i posted on a different blog a while back about forgiveness and here's an excerpt of it:

forgiveness is one of the hardest things to learn, but once you learn it and reap the rewards of forgiveness... it's such a great tool! 
"Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth: and they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth.  But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away."  ~Matthew 13:5-6
"Yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while.  For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles."  ~Matthew 13:21
in our life we will have "rocks" or "stony places" that represent past offenses, circumstances, or persecution for doing what is right. 
when we face these rocks, usually we react many different ways, but usually it will all boil down to us focusing on "why me?"  <PRIDE>
these rocks prevent us from growing because they develop unresolved conflict.  and when conflict is not dealt with, it leads to UNFORGIVENESS and BITTERNESS.
"Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.  Be of the same mind toward one another.  Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble.  Do not be wise in your own opinion."  ~Romans 12:14-16
bless means to wish someone well, to desire God's favor on their lives.  curse means to pray against, to call down God's judgment on their lives.  ...when someone "persecutes" you (or does you evil.  makes you mad.  etc.) you need to pray for them.  pray for blessings to be poured over them.  ask God to favor their life and earnestly focus on THEM being HAPPY!
bless those that are PERSECUTING you... identify with the pain and suffering of others.  set proper boundaries for your physical, emotional, spiritual safety.  (GUARD YOUR HEART)
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'  But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.  That you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust." ~Matthew 5:43-45
sometimes we confuse the feeling of forgiving with the action of forgiving.
there are three stages of forgiving:  to forgive, forgiving, and forgiven.

1. "to forgive" is a choice, an act of the will.  --there's things in life that we have to do (ALL THE TIME) that we don't want to do, or that we don't feel like doing...
2. "forgiving" is a process where your decision to forgive begins to align your emotions.
3. "forgiven" is when the Holy Spirit helps you experience joy when blessings occur to the other person.  (see Romans 12:14-21)

"Repay no one evil for evil.  Have regard for good things in the sight of all men.  If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.  Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord.  Therefore, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."  Romans 12:17-21
when we take retaliation into our own hands, we're taking God's place.  personal retaliation is an ineffective way to accomplish peace.  i will reiterate:  "DO NOT BE OVERCOME BY EVIL, BUT OVERCOME EVIL WITH GOOD." 

i've heard it said that once the trust is broken, it can never be built back.  i disagree.  if you forgive, you can keep trusting.  try it out.  it may happen again and again, but keep forgiving.  keep choosing to love.  let me know what you think...

love

when i was an adolescent i had a great youth pastor.  we had lots of messages about purity and lust and love.  one thing that i was taught at that vulnerable but formidable age was that being "in love" is a choice.  when you know that, it makes it all the more hurtful when relationships don't work.  however, if you've committed yourself to a relationship (such as marriage), it makes it all the more helpful. 
there are times that you won't feel like you love that person, but you can CHOOSE to. 

people make mistakes.  we need to love them anyway.  sometimes the mistake-maker will be you.  you'll want love. 

i wrote a great post on judging people and there was a good deal in it about loving too.  please take a moment, if you will, and read (or re-read) it -or at least the section on love.  it's linked under the text "great post" in the first sentence of this paragraph.  just click and read away.

enable him

i struggle with the difference in being a respectful, loving, and supporting wife and enabling my husband.  there's some sort of fine invisible line between the two.  one is good and the other is completely counter-productively bad.  however, they're really not too different.

• i respect my husband.  i may not 100% agree with everything he does, but in everything i say and do, i aim to be respectful to the man i married. 
• i support my husband's fight for sobriety.  but i won't support his addiction.  i am a supporting wife, either way.
• i love my husband.  addicted or not, i love him.  *i'll write a post on LOVE sometime soon.*  i may not love his actions or his choices, but i love him.  that's my choice.  i am a loving wife.

so, am i enabling him to be a drug addict, because i married him and i love, respect, and support him? 

when my husband was arrested and incarcerated, i was very upset.  i still loved him, but i believed that he deserved to be in jail and he deserved his punishment.  the kids and i were also being punished, but so goes life.  i wouldn't have bailed him out of jail, even if we DID have the money!  he was unemployed as it was, so in my angered mind it was only one less person to feed at our house. 
was i being loving and supportive then? 

he was bailed out of jail, against my will.  i was very upset.  i told him that i loved him and wanted to be respectful, but i didn't want him to come home until i had time to sit down and talk with him about EVERYTHING.  
was that loving or respectful?

currently, my husband counts me as his support team.  when he feels triggered, he will call me to get his mind off the trigger and onto me and our family.  this puts me in a strong position of support.  if i'm not home, or don't answer the phone, he could follow his trigger and mess up his sobriety.  that would put our family in jeopardy. 
is that too much support pressure for one individual? 
if i don't take that opportunity, am i still being supportive?

both of us are adults.  i can't speak for him, but i've come to grips with the reality that i have no affect on his sobriety.  i cannot make the decision for him to choose or choose not to partake in drugs.  if i can help him choose not to, i would like to help... but! in the end, it's his choice (WITH or WITHOUT my help). 

here's what i do:  i pray.  that's the only help that i can really give him that's worth anything. 
here's what i don't do:  i don't judge him.  i am no better than he.  i don't hold the addiction over his head. 

here's what i want:  1=sobriety for him.  2=our family together.  3=to be a loving, supportive, and respectful wife.
here's what i don't want:  1=him using drugs.  2=him to feel disrespected.

judging and be judged

i attended a women's bible study last night regarding the topic of intimacy in marriage.  it was kinda a question/answer format.  one question that was asked was regarding how to respect a man who views pornography.  the answer was given in such a wise tone.  following is a blog i wrote (when i was pretty worked up, mind you) on the same sort of topic, but not regarding porn, rather addiction.
well, here we go.  
sometimes it is so easy to find faults in others.  it's kinda satisfying.  it kinda makes us feel better to know that there are others that are "worse off" than we are.  or maybe it helps us dislike them like we always wanted to.  maybe there are those type of people that you just don't feel right about... there's always something that you think isn't right... and then you find out something that just confirms your suspicion.  it's like an ah-ha!  i was right.  they are sinful.  well, you know what?  so are you.  we all are. 
what that person that you caught in sin needs isn't an "i told you so" or that sort of treatment.  what that person needs isn't a lecture on how to correct their behavior.  what that person needs isn't a cold shoulder or anything of that nature.  love.  that's what he needs. 
we need to, above all other things, love each other.  we are to show others the love of God.  romans 12:9-10 says "don't just pretend that you love others.  really love them.  hate what is wrong.  stand on the side of the good.  love each other with genuine affection [brotherly love], and take delight in honoring each other."  we can hate the wrong that people do... but what we need to, and should do, is LOVE ONE ANOTHER!  we should never stop loving one another.  romans 13:8 confirms, saying, "pay all your debts, except the debt of love for others.  you can never finish paying that!  if you love your neighbor, you will fulfill all the requirements of God's law... (vs 10)Love does no wrong to anyone, so love satisfies all of God's requirements."
1 john chapter 4, starting in verse 7 and finishing off the chapter goes on and on about love and loving and being loved. 
when you come across someone that you think is undeserving of your love, think again!  you and me and they all are children of God.  He sent his son to die for ALL OF US.  not just the ones that behave the way you want or you think is right.  He loves all of us and we ought to show the same mercy for not a single one of us is blameless and there isn't a sin that is worse or better than another sin. 
Eph. 4:32, "be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."  we should be kind and loving because it is what God has done for us and commands of us.

familiarity

{a previous post with pictures removed to create a little more anonomisty}

i wonder if the word family actually came from, or was derived from, the word familiarity...

wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, defines family as "In human context, a family (from Latin: familiare) {really, i didn't know this when i wrote the above sentence!} is a group of people affiliated by consanguinity, affinity, or co-residence. In most societies it is the principal institution for the socialization of children. Extended from the human "family unit" by affinity, economy, culture, tradition, honor, and friendship are concepts of family that are metaphorical, or that grow increasingly inclusive extending to nationhood and humanism."
i grew up in a large family.  well, there were four of us kids. 

(we're all married now and have multiplied our family of six to 19!  this was jan. '09.) 

my dad had six kids in his family, all but one procreated, and my mom had four kids in her family, all of which had at least two offspring.  i have 36 living relatives (grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins,) and that's NOT counting any of my cousin's spouses or their children, or step-cousins that aren't related biologically.  compared to a lot of people (especially those whose families stayed together -meaning a low or no divorce rate-) we even have a large extended family.

my mr. is an only child.  he was raised by his mom.  she was single part of the time, but even when she was married, the husband didn't do much raising of little otter pop.  he has one ex-step-dad that he feels influenced him and that influence inadvertently lead him to the marine corps.  his mom had four kids in her family, but she was at the tail end of them with a span of at least one decade (i think it might actually be two) between her and the eldest.  one of her siblings died at a fairly young age and his family has rather separated from the others.  the remaining sisters each had at least two kids.  he has 6 living relatives that i know of.  now granted, i do know his biological father has some siblings and he surely has some cousins from them -and i didn't count ANY of them (including his dad)... but i'm just counting close biological family here.  he may argue that they should count because i know he doesn't know all of my cousin's names or faces... but it's my blog, 'k?! 

all this to explain that his family is almost the exact opposite as mine as far as size goes.  HE is almost the exact opposite as ME as far as almost everything goes. 

we were diolouging the other day/week/whatever about this.  it is kinda funny really.  please let me elaborate my humor: 

i grew up with my large family in a farmhouse out in the country of a little town in idaho called jerome.  jerome, when i grew up there, was very small, white, and quiet.  not much happened there and there wasn't much crime or trouble.  as i got older, that changed a bit and it's one of the reasons i asked my parents if i could change schools in high school.  they then placed me in a tiny, very conservative christian school.  needless to say, i didn't have much (if any) negative influence (drugs, alchohol, sex, gangs, etc.) as i grew up!  we lived in the same home almost my entire life.  we moved there when i was almost 3, or just 3, i don't know for sure.  i don't remember that, nor do i remember ANYTHING about the house we lived in before that.  my parents changed jobs no more times than the number of digits i have on any of my limbs.  my parents married before i was born (before any of my siblings were born) and are still married today.  most of my extended family didn't live close.  only one uncle stayed in our same town (although on the complete opposite side of town.  out in the country also.), but i will claim that we still held a close knit family.  my paternal grandparents lived about 5 miles from us and they would host many family gatherings at their farm and we would have annual family reunions for that side as well.  my maternal grandparents lived in another small idaho town, buhl, a little less than an hour (most of my growing up years.  there's a shortcut now.) away.  they also would host many family gatherings at their home and we saw that side of the family fairly often -some cousins more than others, but i didn't feel all too distant from any of them.  and lastly, i'm a girl!
mr. hubbalubs grew up all over the united states.  he changed schools at least twice every year.  he called las vegas his home because that's where his ENITRE [extended] family has stayed.  he was born in las vegas (one of the biggest cities in the US) and it's always where he and his mom would retreat to when things weren't going as planned, or hoped.  when growing up in las vegas, he lived IN the city and in the "bad side of town".  he was surrounded by drugs, alchohol, gambling, strippers, prostitutes, bums, all sorts of sin, and culture.  (he was the only white kid in his neighborhood!)  his mom changed jobs as frequently, if not more, than they moved.  when he was living in vegas, he would see his family at least once a week... he hung out with his cousins mostly because they were his only constant.  he was never at a school long enough to make any friends.  i'm not exadurating here, in fact, i could elaborate more but i think the point has been made:  my man and i are as different as night and day.  oh, and lastly, he's a boy!
but, like night and day, we go together.  seven of us together, makes one week!!!  :)  hehehe 
no, but really... we go together!  we complete eachother.  where he lacks, i strengthen and where i lack, he strengthens.  he lifts me up and i lift him up.  God made me for him and him for me!  God is SO awesome... He never ceases to amaze me with His LOVE!

recently we took the quiz on our love languages.  it might be irony, but i'd rather give the glory to God, that our results were almost exactly number for number the same!  i am certain that God made him for me and me for him.  we know how to love eachother in a way that we accept love in the right amounts.  we know what to do to make the other feel loved and we do...  when all is going wrong, i can find my lover and feel right.  when i'm stressed, i can usually call my lover and be calmed.  and the same goes for him.  when he's hot, i'm cold.  when he's cold, i'm hot. 
...  ... ... ... ... what's the point here?  ... ... ... ... ...
i can't imagine my life without him, nor do i want to.  he IS MY familiarity.  HE is my FAMILY! 
and, while i've got your attention, i'll just mention that we make some darn cute kids!!!!!

i love my man

one thing i love about recovery is enjoying time together.  every minute together is a blessed occurance.  and i love it!

our structure

monday and wednesday the mr. has a matrix class from 7-9.  mondays he frequently has one-on-one appointments scheduled with his counselor.  on the second monday of the month we both have a families in recovery class together from 5-7.  on tuesday he has a relapse prevention class from 7-9.  on wednesdays he has a cognitive self change class from 5-7.  he also has to go to a one-hour 12-step meeting every day. 
since he plead guilty to his charge of burglary he was sentenced with 100 hours of community service to be completed before august.  however, he has to complete at least 20 hours each month (so i don't know why they said it had to be completed before august because at 20 hours/month he'll HAVE to have it completed by ... august.  ok.  never mind.)
the sole provider of our family is employed full time and works 9-5 tues-sat.  thankfully he has a workday free to complete all those community service hours.  but it sure takes a tole on the time we get with him.  oh, i forgot to mention he also has a 9:30pm curfew.  he has to be at our residence by 9:30pm every night.  i actually really like that rule!  ;) 
i like all the rules because i'm a rule follower, but i really miss my hubby by about this time every week.  i also love that he's drug free and enjoying it.  i also love that he counts me as his support team.  i love this guy... he's incredible!  i love that he's changing his life to be a better person for his family... THAT takes balls!!!!

"A prudent man foresees evil, and hides himself; the simple pass on, and are punished." (Proverbs 27:12)