i struggle with the difference in being a respectful, loving, and supporting wife and enabling my husband. there's some sort of fine invisible line between the two. one is good and the other is completely counter-productively bad. however, they're really not too different.
when my husband was arrested and incarcerated, i was very upset. i still loved him, but i believed that he deserved to be in jail and he deserved his punishment. the kids and i were also being punished, but so goes life. i wouldn't have bailed him out of jail, even if we DID have the money! he was unemployed as it was, so in my angered mind it was only one less person to feed at our house.
was i being loving and supportive then?
he was bailed out of jail, against my will. i was very upset. i told him that i loved him and wanted to be respectful, but i didn't want him to come home until i had time to sit down and talk with him about EVERYTHING.
was that loving or respectful?
currently, my husband counts me as his support team. when he feels triggered, he will call me to get his mind off the trigger and onto me and our family. this puts me in a strong position of support. if i'm not home, or don't answer the phone, he could follow his trigger and mess up his sobriety. that would put our family in jeopardy.
is that too much support pressure for one individual?
if i don't take that opportunity, am i still being supportive?
both of us are adults. i can't speak for him, but i've come to grips with the reality that i have no affect on his sobriety. i cannot make the decision for him to choose or choose not to partake in drugs. if i can help him choose not to, i would like to help... but! in the end, it's his choice (WITH or WITHOUT my help).
here's what i do: i pray. that's the only help that i can really give him that's worth anything.
here's what i don't do: i don't judge him. i am no better than he. i don't hold the addiction over his head.
here's what i want: 1=sobriety for him. 2=our family together. 3=to be a loving, supportive, and respectful wife.
here's what i don't want: 1=him using drugs. 2=him to feel disrespected.
- i respect my husband. i may not 100% agree with everything he does, but in everything i say and do, i aim to be respectful to the man i married.
- i support my husband's fight for sobriety. but i won't support his addiction. i am a supporting wife, either way.
- i love my husband. addicted or not, i love him. *i'll write a post on LOVE sometime soon.* i may not love his actions or his choices, but i love him. that's my choice. i am a loving wife.
when my husband was arrested and incarcerated, i was very upset. i still loved him, but i believed that he deserved to be in jail and he deserved his punishment. the kids and i were also being punished, but so goes life. i wouldn't have bailed him out of jail, even if we DID have the money! he was unemployed as it was, so in my angered mind it was only one less person to feed at our house.
was i being loving and supportive then?
he was bailed out of jail, against my will. i was very upset. i told him that i loved him and wanted to be respectful, but i didn't want him to come home until i had time to sit down and talk with him about EVERYTHING.
was that loving or respectful?
currently, my husband counts me as his support team. when he feels triggered, he will call me to get his mind off the trigger and onto me and our family. this puts me in a strong position of support. if i'm not home, or don't answer the phone, he could follow his trigger and mess up his sobriety. that would put our family in jeopardy.
is that too much support pressure for one individual?
if i don't take that opportunity, am i still being supportive?
both of us are adults. i can't speak for him, but i've come to grips with the reality that i have no affect on his sobriety. i cannot make the decision for him to choose or choose not to partake in drugs. if i can help him choose not to, i would like to help... but! in the end, it's his choice (WITH or WITHOUT my help).
here's what i do: i pray. that's the only help that i can really give him that's worth anything.
here's what i don't do: i don't judge him. i am no better than he. i don't hold the addiction over his head.
here's what i want: 1=sobriety for him. 2=our family together. 3=to be a loving, supportive, and respectful wife.
here's what i don't want: 1=him using drugs. 2=him to feel disrespected.
I think your attitude is awesome, girl. You are right on. You were loving AND respectful with your bounderies in place. I don't think you are enabling him. I think you are being a good, strong, godly woman......not tolerating this harmful thing, but still loving your husband. In fact, I would say that it would be UN-loving to tolerate his drug use & UN-loving to not let him face his consequenses. That DOES help him.....right off of a cliff. You want what's best for him, God's best for him. You are not sitting back & letting him destroy himself & his family. That IS loving & supportive.
ReplyDeleteI would say that it is good for him to be honest with you & for you to help him. But he should really have an accountability parter &/or sponsor to (a godly man, hopefully......there are LOTS of those @CR) in addition to you helping him. It can become overwhelming to take his successes & failures on yourself.......and that eventually happens without outside support.
I also don't think it was unloving & unsupportive for you to be angry. You had every right. And even Jesus got angry over sin & damage caused by sin. That's a rightious anger. And it probably helped you to stay strong & not try to help him out of jail in some way. This can't not affect you emotionally......or your little ones. Anger is a natural emotion. Hopefully, you can find healthy ways of coping with that & you are doing great to pray about it. First & most important thing to do.
So, why is it so hard for me?
Thanks for sharing this.
MamaH